One thing I’ve noticed as an occupational therapist in mainstream settings is a hesitancy in some parents to access support for their child. A common rhetoric is “oh let’s just wait and see” or “once they go to ________ (daycare/preschool/school) they’ll be fine” or the classic Australianism “they’ll be right”. To be honest, I’ve always thought this was due to denial or stigma surrounding therapy and disability. But this year I became a mum and now see a different side of the picture.
While I don’t doubt denial/stigma still exist, I now wonder how often it’s fear of failure or parenting shame that results in parents waiting to access support. Two months ago, my husband and I received support for our son’s sleep. Multiple times throughout the journey I questioned whether or not needing support was a failure of our parenting. I questioned my abilities as both a mother and as a therapist, even though I’d previously referred multiple families to access the same support.
For more information on the importance of sleep, check out Dreaming of Regulation: The Importance of a Good Night’s Sleep
I was not in denial in the slightest about my son’s sleep, but I did put off getting help because I was worried about how I would be perceived as a parent. I thought we could (and should) figure it out on our own. It wasn’t until a friend and valued colleague asked me if I’d think less of her if she needed to access support that it really hit home. I wasn’t a failure or lesser for needing help. And neither were my husband or son. We were just a family who needed external support. We needed a village.
A common phrase is “it takes a village to raise a child”. It’s acknowledged that parenting is a hard gig to do solo, that we need others to support us through friendship, family, time, food, love, and empathy. But it also means that it takes an array of experience and expertise for children to thrive. Just as we rely on teachers to educate our children, and doctors and nurses to address their health, we may need to rely on allied health therapists to support a child’s developmental needs.
Every child grows and develops at a different pace, that’s true. But that doesn’t mean waiting to access support and advice is the best option. Some children will do things with ease independently in their own time. Or maybe some things, whilst needing help with others. Some may need adaptations to their environment or the task. They may need their caregivers to learn different ways to teach and model skills. Individuals may need support at different stages of their life. Maybe they need help come high school, or university, or in retirement.
Regardless of when or what assistance is needed, it’s important caregivers (or the individual themselves) realise there isn’t anything “wrong” or “shameful” with needing different levels of support. The earlier that we can get someone the support they need, the sooner they can reach their full potential. Especially in the early years, when early intervention is so effective. Putting off asking for or accepting help benefits no one.
I hadn’t previously considered some parents might fear being judged as “bad parents” simply for needing additional help. Because I personally would never in a million years think that of others! In fact it’s the opposite, I think parents that engage in therapy (especially proactively) are amazing! Yet when it was my turn, my pride and fear definitely stood in my way.
Please don’t let your pride do the same. I know it’s hard, but asking for help and support is one of the best things you can do.