My Child Does Better Without Me

Oh how many times have I heard this refrain at the start of a therapy session? “My child does better if I’m not here”. “I’m just a distraction”. “They get more out of it when I’m out of the room”. 

I get that sometimes parents just need a break, and a therapy session offers them the chance to regroup, have a coffee, or just have some time to themselves. Trust me, I get it. But your child doesn’t get more out of therapy or do better without you. I generalise to all therapists on this one but speak directly from a decade of occupational therapy experience. I truly believe all therapy (excluding some types of counselling) benefits from the presence of primary caregivers. 

Therapy sessions typically range from 30-60 minutes, usually once a week. An hour a week out of 168. Take away sleeping and education, and you’re left with at least 42 hours a week. And we therapists get, at most, an hour of that. Imagine if employers expected a full time workload to be completed in an hour! Or imagine if an hour a week was all it took to speak another language, play a musical instrument, or get fit. We’d all be multilingual musicians deadlifting our body weight in no time! But alas, our brains and bodies do not operate in such a way. 

Just like we can’t fit more hours into a day, we can’t fit more actions into an hour. Ask any music, language, dance, or sport teacher or coach and they’ll tell you this: an hour a week isn’t enough to show progress. At least progress at a speed we’d expect from paying someone exorbitant fees to support a loved one. Yes we know therapy is expensive, so you want the most out of it. And I’ve never met a therapist who hasn’t given their most to each and every family. But we can’t do it alone.

Research has shown that parental partnership within OT intervention is both effective and worthwhile. Studies and anecdotal experience also suggest that collaborative consultation is much more effective than direct therapy within early education and school environments. This means instead of pulling a child away from their peers to practice skills for an hour, a therapist works with the teacher to embed goals and support through all activities across the day. When I was a new grad, it was explained to me as follows: 

If I spend an hour with your child, that’s an hour of therapy a week. If I spend an hour teaching, showing and coaching you to apply intervention strategies, that’s potentially 80 hours of therapy a week! 

As an occupational therapist, I want to work with you and your child, on activities that are important to you both, in an environment that is naturalistic (ie your child already frequents it- such as home, childcare, school, your local park or shopping centre) or in an environment that is easily replicable to you at home. I don’t need fancy, expensive, bulky and impressive looking equipment to help your child do the things they want to/need to/are expected to do, unless those goals are to do them on the fancy/expensive/bulky/impressive looking equipment! 

If I’m supporting a child to regulate to sit at the table for dinner- then I need you there with me, learning alongside me how best to support your child to do so. 

If I’m supporting a child to develop their handwriting skills so their teacher can read their ideas- then I need you or their teacher there with me, to see what prompts and supports to give during literacy class the next day, or during homework that night. 

If I’m teaching a child play skills so they can engage with their peers in a meaningful. age appropriate way, then I need you there with me so you can help them apply their skills at home, at the park or on a playdate. 

If I’m supporting your child to engage in occupations, I need you there. I want you there. Your child wants and needs you there. 

So take your breather, take your break, but don’t tell yourself your child is better without you. And don’t let your therapist tell you that either, it’s simply not true.