The Art of Being Honest

The one thing they have in common is that they are about being honest. We get told all the time that “honesty in the best policy” and “it’s best to be upfront and honest”. And the majority of the time it’s easy to be honest. But when we believe we may hurt or anger others, it can be a natural reaction to avoid doing so. “Truth” is also subjective, and beliefs can clash. Sometimes avoiding this is the best option. But what about when we want or need to speak honestly about a potentially frictional topic?

People deal with honesty in different ways. Some may be blunt, and say exactly what is on their mind, with little consideration to how the receiver of the information may feel upon hearing it. They may “tell it straight”, confident that what they have to say is right/important/necessary. Others seemingly dance around the truth, sugar coating it in a way that makes the true intention of what they are “saying” ambiguous.

Then there are those who are both truthful and kind. Forthright yet emphatic. Honest, but compassionate. I strive to be this type of person, fighting against my natural instinct to avoid even the possibility of confrontation.

I’ve found that while some conversations are not easy, they are necessary. And with tact, they can be extremely productive for everyone involved. As a non-natural truth teller (stemming from not wanting to upset others rather than a tendency to lie!), I’ve found the following helps me immensely in having successful, honest conversations:  

Figuring out the purpose of the conversation

Before I initiate a conversation that involves some difficult “truthing”, I think about why I want or need to have the conversation. Is it to make me feel better or to vent? Have I considered other points of view? Is the “truth” backed by fact or merely opinion? Determining the purpose allows me to be consise in putting my points forward, and ensures I’m not entering into the situation blindly. It also gives me the courage to say what I need to, as I have considered other options and determined that a honest conversation is what is best.

 

Considering time and place

I’ve learnt 5pm on a Friday is NOT the best time to have an honest chat with someone. Neither is before heading out to dinner, or before an important meeting or presentation. Time and place needs to suit both you and your conversation partner. Are they focussed and alert, or distracted by other thoughts or demands? Do you both have the time and opportunity to step away from the conversation to breathe or think if need be? Picking out a good time and place makes all the difference!

 

Listening

This one might see obvious, but when you have things you have been preparing to say, it’s easy to forget to give the other person opportunity for reply, or to truly listen to what they have to say. I like to plan out when I’m going to give the other person a “right of reply” ahead of time, so that there is a natural break or pause to let them speak. Remember perception is truth, and everyone’s perception is dependent on what they have seen, experienced or learnt.