This post is part of a series. If you haven’t already, check out Part One where I shared “4 Tips to Promote Powerful Play”. Below are two common challenges I’ve seen and some ideas on how to support them:
Trouble Sharing
Don’t we all have a bit of trouble sharing sometimes? Good luck to the person who asks for a piece of my chocolate bar! I find the issue of sharing to be a contentious one. On one hand, yes, we do need to learn to share and negotiate with others. But on the other hand, we as adults have our own possessions, and we wouldn’t all be willing to just hand them over to a colleague when our boss tells us to. So why do we expect children to do the same, just because we said so? When looking at sharing, make sure that what you are asking your child to share is respectful to them and appropriate for their developmental stage. Teaching a child what is shared property versus their personal property can help give them a sense of control and understanding of ownership. We share for a few reasons; out of a sense of societal expectations, to be polite, because it feels good, because we have to. I can’t be the only one who would prefer not to have to share the road whilst driving!
If meeting social norms or being polite isn’t that motivating for your child, start by showing them that sharing can be fun:
* It can be much less threatening to share with an adult than a peer, so start with yourself first. We are far more predictable (we consistently give things back and aren’t likely to snatch things unexpectedly) and that predictability breeds trust. No one wants to share with an untrustworthy person!
* I always start by teaching turn taking first. This respects the fact that everyone has a right to play with shared objects, as well as showing a child that it is ok to wait.
* Start by using something interesting but not something your child is deeply attached to.
* Choose something close ended, that is, something with a clear ending to the turn that needs to be “reset” to start again. Blowing or popping bubbles, marble or car runs, or wind up toys are all great to use.
* Make sure the Wait to Turn Ratio is worth it. The “Wait to Turn Ratio” is how long you need to wait for compared to the motivation and duration of the reward. A low waiting threshold (difficulty waiting) means the ratio has to have a bigger turn to wait ratio. So if a child finds waiting extremely challenging, the wait time needs to be short, with a long turn duration and motivating object. Initially the object can’t be too motivating, as it takes time to develop the patience needed to delay the gratification of a highly desired object or activity. An extremely motivating object is going to be hard to wait for! As a child learns to wait, the turn duration can decrease whilst the motivation for the object and length of wait time increases. Remember that waiting threshold will be dependent on ever changing factors such as an individual’s regulation and “waiting fatigue” (the more waiting has been done, the lower the waiting threshold).
* Once a child is able to turn take with an adult, encourage them to turn take with a sibling or peer. You may need to adjust the Wait to Turn Ratio to make it a success!
Difficulties Understanding or Conveying Ideas
I see this quite often, with a huge range of children. Many younger children, or children with social/emotional challenges (such as ASD) have difficulty effectively getting their point or cross or correctly interpreting their peers idea. Some may have speech and language delays, in which case I highly recommend a speech pathologist is involved. Sometimes this challenge isn’t very obvious, because as adults we can be very adept at reading intentions or altering our verbal and non verbal communication to meet a child’s needs. We might have great play sessions with a child who appears to be in constant conflict with their peers. When we sit down and closely watch and listen to a play interaction, we may find that difficulty with expressing or understanding is the catalyst for all those arguments and tears!
* If a child has difficulty expressing their ideas clearly, practice with them one on one. You may understand what they are implying, but support them to better describe or show their ideas by playing dumb. Pretend you don’t understand by doing something completely different to what they’d said. While it can be frustrating when peers don’t listen, most children think it’s hilarious when an adult is a bit clueless. Just make sure you don’t take it too far and diminish their confidence or patience. The idea is to be playful so they can practice expressing ideas, not make them feel like they are unheard or misunderstood.
* Reading books and watching videos together can be a great way to talk about what someone else is thinking or trying to do. If your child says something unexpected, explore why they thought that before saying something like “That’s really interesting. I was thinking they might have been trying to XXXX”. Point out what gave you ‘clues’ to a person’s idea (eg what does their face and body look like, did they say or do something to indicate their idea). What is obvious for us, might not be so obvious for your child.
* Sport casting is a technique that works really well in the moment. If you witness some conflict in a play interaction, put your commentator hat on and narrate what you are seeing and hearing. This helps each child process what is happening by repeating what is said (in a clear, calm voice) and interpreting what you are seeing. For example, you may sound like this “Oh, Johnny said he wants to build a house. Susie is lying her blocks down, it looks like she wants to build a road. Johnny really wants to build a house. Susie said that she is making a road. Johnny looks really frustrated. His voice is very loud. He said he wanted to build a house where Susie is building a road”. You may feel a bit silly at first, but I promise you it’s a great technique! By acknowledging everything that is communicated (verbally and non verbally), everyone feels heard, which allows them to then listen and respond to the additional information you are supplying.
Click here for Part Three: Restricted Interests and Difficulties with Motor Planning
Happy playing!