So I just finished bingeing on the new Queer Eye on Netflix, and despite whether you love or hate the show, if you’ve watched any of it, you would have definitely noticed Jonathan (the grooming guy). For those who haven’t seen it, a lot of factors make Jonathan stand out on the show; his lucious locks, his endless confidence, his ability to make anything interesting and funny. But after watching the whole season, one thing really started to shine through for me, even though it wasn’t glaringly obvious at first. His ability to give (almost instantaneously) a compliment to anyone, a compliment that was geniune, thoughtful and accurate. It amazed me to watch this guy take less than 20 seconds to appraise a person and verbalise that he had noted something special amd unique about them. And what was even better was watching people’s faces light up upon hearing something kind about themselves. It was like they were given permission to believe it because it was obvious that he did too.
It made me think about how as an OT, I always strive to see the best in people, both in my practice and also in my personal life. I feel that this helps me to naturally and automatically look for and see what strengths and abilities an individual, family or group possess. I love being inspired and amazed by my friends and colleagues, and barely a day goes past that a child or parent don’t leave me awestruck. But sometimes, I may miss something (or multiple things) that may have made a difference to an outcome, or I may struggle to convince someone that they do have strengths, or the strengths that I can see they possess. Sometimes it feels ‘safer’ to not say something, as giving a heartfelt compliment can make you feel vulnerable, or outside the social norm.
Watching someone like Jonathan (and I highly recommend watching an episode to see what I mean if you haven’t already), I wondered why giving compliments seemed so effortless for him, and so ingrained in his personality that it was almost as automatic as breathing. (And sidenote, I do know its TV and probably scripted to some or all degrees, but I maintain belief this is a geniune part of the show!).
And I think it’s this. He is so sure of himself, so absolutely confident in who he is and what he can do, so self loving and self assured, that he doesn’t need to waste the time or energy thinking about what he may be doing wrong, or doubting himself in anyway. He believes so absolutely in himself that seeing the value in those around him doesn’t make him feel worse about himself, and why should it? The time and energy the rest of us put into allowing us to doubt ourselves, the times where we are concerned (no matter how fleeting the thought) that we have said or done the wrong thing, the energy spent looking inward to our percieved faults, this can all be better spent. Battling to convince others that their strengths are there, not voicing or not seeing all of the things they have on offer, can be detrimental not only to therapy, but to relationships, success and happiness.
Compliments can be so very powerful. They can help change how a person sees a situation or themselves. Being able to give a geniune and targeted compliment means that you have taken the time to truly see what someone has to offer, and shows you care enough about them to let them know. We need to spend more time looking at, listening to and learning from those around us. We need to see the strength in those who can’t see it for themselves. We should want others to be the best versions of themselves, because life isn’t a zero sum game, where another person’s success is your failure.
I’ll never forget when an ex-team leader started treating me poorly after I was nominated for an award, rather than seeing it as a positive reflection on the team as a whole. It baffled me that my success negatively impacted on her view of me. Her lack of confidence in herself limited her ability to lead using the strengths of the individuals in her team. I think being able to see and acknowledge the best in other people starts by treating yourself the way you aim to treat others. We need to compliment and see the best in ourselves, not just sometimes but always. Sure, it’s important to reflect and evaluate your performance, but there’s a time and place for this, which isn’t every moment of everyday. We should aim to have unlimited confidence and self assuredness, so that we can see the best in others without wasting time doubting or comparing ourselves.