In my last post I explored co-regulation and the importance it has in developing an individual’s regulation skills. How “much” support an individual will require depends on many factors:
- How well can they build and steer their own Regulation Rocket?
- Can they change course to a new destination (occupation) if required?
- What influence can they have on their own environment?
- Are they able to make changes to it to support themselves?
- Can they recognise and address if their personal factors are having an impact? (e.g. can they feed themselves or change clothes, meet sensory needs, seek and utilise external supports, access addtional information and resources?)
These above questions will depend on the age of the individual, their development, the current environment and life circumstances to name a few. As an individual develops their own regulation skills, the amount of co-regulation support needed will lower.
So how can we be a good co-regulator across the lifespan? Here’s part one of “How to be a good co-regulator”:
1. Look after yourself first
I covered this a lot in my last post, but an important message is worth repeating. Being a good co-regulator relies on having good self regulation yourself. If you are having difficulty regulating your thoughts, feelings, behaviour, attention and arousal, then your ability to support another individual will be diminished. And you can’t really expect someone to learn skills they aren’t being shown! The first place to look is at the people providing co-regulation support. Link in with adult orientated services, and seek support for yourself if you are having difficulty regulating independently.
2. Co-regulating isn’t about shielding from “negative” emotions
This one may feel like it’s counter-intuitive to some of the other tips, but I ensure you it isn’t! While being a good co-regulator is about providing a safe and caring environment, it’s not about removing any potential triggers for “negative” emotions. So it’s ok to say “no” to buying something you can’t afford, it’s ok that a child is sad when a caregiver leaves, it’s ok to provide your child with healthy options when they are demanding fast food and lollies. 
Sadness, anger, hurt, frustration, disappointment, embarrassment: these are all emotions we will feel at some point in our lives, and it’s the way we respond that’s important. Supporting a child through these emotions (when they occur naturally within an environment or situation) is much more useful than attempting to avoid them all together (which is impossible!).
3. Show them you care
We have yet to develop mind reading technology, so while thinking that you care about someone is nice, they need to be aware of it for it to count! Care, love and affection can be displayed in various ways, and most people have preferences to how they give and recieve affection. Tune into how the individual you are co-regulating prefers to recieve care and affection: maybe it’s a hug, maybe it’s spending time together, maybe it’s saying something nice. They need to feel loved, supported and cared for, as a sense of belonging is one of our basic needs.
4. Recognise and respond to wants and needs
I want to start of saying that “responding” doesn’t mean “giving”. While it’s important to ensure an individual’s needs are met, especially their basic needs (check out this post for why), wants are slightly different. We can respond to an individual’s wants by acknowledging and validating, without having to give them what they want. For the simple fact that what we want isn’t always a possibility.
Letting an individual know that they are not only heard but understood is crucial here. Often prolonged conflict occurs as an individual tries to make you understand how badly they want something. Reflecting their emotion and validating their feelings through tone, facial expression and body language, rather than dismissing or distracting, helps them move from emotional (“I want it!”) thinking, to logical (“I can have it later”) thinking.
I know it’s really, really hard sometimes to deny a want, but I think it’s an important lesson we all have to learn at some point. An example I often use when an educator or caregiver constantly give into an individual’s want is this: what happens when that individual is an adult, walking down the street and see an expensive car. They say “I want it” and are explained it belongs to someone else. “But I want it” they say. What are you going to do? Sure, that thing you gave them this time you can afford, or the child you asked to share “doesn’t mind”, but eventually there will be something you can’t afford or someone does mind!
5. Support during stressful times
No one likes it when a loved one is upset or distressed. We want to ease their pain, and ensure their happiness. By guiding an individual through stressful situations, we give them the tools needed to manage future situations with less external support, and teach them how to control their responses. This means instead of always fixing a problem immediately or distracting from a situation, we walk them through the process. Of course this isn’t always the best or safest option, and we must take in account an individual’s needs in a case by case basis. But often we can use stressful scenarios to teach some skills: problem solving, emotional regulation, accessing sensory supports, communication etc.
For example, I was working in an early education setting, and a child was distressed after his parent left (it was his second day at the centre). His educator was doing all the right things: consoling him, giving him a hug, making him feel secure. He was noticeably upset, crying and saying “mum” over and over. He showed no interest in any of the offered activities. He caught my eye and I pulled a sad face and nodded at him, saying “you want mum”. He paused and said “mum” again. I repeated what I said and did and he came for a hug, and slowly calmed his breathing. He kept pointing to the door his mum had left by, so I took him over and sat for a while, letting him know I knew exactly why he was sad, and showing him I was sad too. He eventually let me take off his heavy jacket (he’d earlier refused and was clearly quite warm). We eventually walked out the door (he was quite calm at this point but still asked for “mum”, so I wanted to show him that she wasn’t hiding anywhere!). We got distracted by looking at some fish, and he sat with the director chatting for a bit.
By meeting him where he was at emotionally and communicating through a range of means that I understood, I was able to help him calm down and regulate his breathing and body temperature. By offering him distractions, he was getting increasingly frustrated as that’s not what he wanted or was asking for! Distracting from the sadness of seeing a parent leave also communciates that this is not a valid response, and creates a reliance on external distractions vs internal emotional regulation.
Stay tuned for How to be a Good Co-Regulator: Part Two!