New to co-regulation? Check out my post It Takes Two to Tango for more information. For Part One of “How to be a good co-regulator”, click here.
Lead by example:
How you respond to various situations throughout the day is going to demonstrate to those around you what is accepted. We all encounter moments that challenge our regulation, whether it be how alert we are, how we respond emotionally or our behavioural response. Modelling one way of responding and expecting a different response from the individual you are supporting is unreasonable and highly unlikely. The impact you have as a co-regulator is bigger than you might expect.
The other point to keep in mind when modelling regulation strategies is to realise how much of what you do to regulate is internal, or not very explicit. Taking a deep breath, telling yourself it’s going to be ok, jiggling your foot, having a sip of water, thinking of something positive: these are all common techniques used to regulate thoughts, feelings, attention and arousal, yet are easily missed or unobservable to a bystander. There are a few things I recommend to make this more apparent: communicate what you are doing and why, make it much more obvious by exaggerating movements and ensuring you are being watched, purposefully select an option from a regulation box or visual. By drawing attention to what you do daily that is otherwise missed, you model that regulation is not static accross the day, and that everyone uses strategies to maintain or regain regulation. This normalises what you are asking/expecting an individual to do, as well as provides multiple learning opportunities for skills to develop.
Explicitly teach skills needed:
Sometimes modelling is not quite enough, and you may identify specific skill sets that need additional support. This is where explicitly teaching skills comes into play. There are a variety of approaches and programs available that target particular skills, many of which have great results for their aims. Other explict teaching includes setting up situations that challenge an individual at the just right level: enough they learn something knew, but not too much they disengage or are unable to manage without a high level of support.
Create a safe environment:
A safe environment includes both things that are necessary for everyone (such as a secure, clean and adequately heated living space, good nutrition, love and affection, clean water etc), as well as needs unique to an individual. Depending on factors such as age, ability to make changes to their own environment or occupation, and skills, an individual may require more or less assistance in this area. An individual who feels or is powerless to make changes to their own environment depends on their co-regulator to recognise their needs and adjust the physical, social or cultural environment accordingly. This may include removing triggers, putting in additional supports, making temporary or permanent changes or altering the behaviour of those around the individual. Being well aware of an individual’s abilities helps to recognise areas where an individual may need additional support in order to feel as those an environment is safe.
Set clear expectations and boundaries:
It’s often said “children need boundaries”, but it is true for all humans regardless of age. Clear boundaries and expectations allow us to know straight away what is acceptable and what isn’t, without having to use additional brain power, time and energy assessing what we need or should be doing. Think about a time when you have been unsure as to what you’re supposed to do: maybe a first day at work, learning a new sport or visiting a country with a language and culture that is unknown to you. The demand to “do the right thing” is exhausting, stressful and without the right support, difficult to get right. An individual learning regulation skills greatly benefits from clear expecations and boundaries, which includes having consistent responses and consequences. When we give mixed messages through our response or consequence of an action, we blur what the boundary is, and the message we are sending in regards to our expectations. When we are consistent (even when it is really challenging to do so), we ensure clear communication, reducing confusion and frustration from either party.
Be present:
This isn’t just about just being physically present: but mentally too. This needs to be said in this day and age of smart phones, tablets and social media. Studies have shown the effects on a child’s resilience, social-emotional development and attitude when parents get distracted by their phones whilst engaging with their child. Even a quick glance at the screen is enough to communicate that you aren’t fully present.
There are times that it’s challenging (or impossible) to be fully present: when you’re driving, preparing dinner, or focused on your own needs. But when you are engaged with an individual, in a reciprocal mannner, it’s crucial to stay in the moment and not be distracted by a new notification on your screen. Disengaging tells them you don’t find them important, and teaches them you are unresponsive to their needs. Checking your phone or frequent scrolling increases your chances of missing crucial moments where an individual may require your attention and co-regulative support.
Young children in particular frequently “check in” with their caregiver during exploration. Caregivers who are habitual phone users were found to have children who took longer to recover from emotional distress, and who were less willing to explore environments. So putting down your phone isn’t just good for your own attention, mental health and well-being, it’s crucial for your role as a co-regulator!