Why We Should All Agree to Disagree

Disagreements. No matter what form they take, we’ve all had them. And we’ve all been guilty of responding poorly at times when someone challenges our beliefs or opinions. Disagreements can be such a valuable learning opportunity, yet sometimes are desperately needed but never had. Ever heard someone say
“nobody knows everything” or “everyone is an expert in something”? Sentiments like these are often repeated but poorly implemented in day to day interactions. When we find ourselves interacting with someone who doesn’t respect or acknowledge our knowledge and experience, we can find disagreements challenging. So why is it that presenting a different viewpoint (which is all a disagreement really is) perceived negatively? That sometimes we feel we can’t disagree with an individual, or feel we risk being seen as argumentative, hard work, or difficult? That we witness those who do speak up labelled as such? Many parents, educators or therapists who have found themselves in these situations, yet I believe we can easily prevent this from happening by creating disagreement friendly environments.

I’ve had parents tell me they feel unable to advocate for their child and/or family’s needs because “the therapist knows best”. I’ve seen teachers penalised for disagreeing with school leadership, and I’ve witnessed countless educators move on because they feel powerless to make effective change in their workplace. It would be easy to say “well those people need to work on that and be more assertive”. And I do think it’s important people have the skills to be able to speak their opinions or state what they need. But we learn from watching each other, and if you’ve witnessed someone else receive a negative response when voicing a disagreement, you will be less likely to speak up yourself. In order to reverse the trend, we need to get better at both asserting ourselves, and being questioned/challenged/disagreed with.

I think it starts with creating an environment and relationships where people are open to discussion and disagreement. It’s important to acknowledge what we don’t know, and that often we don’t know what we don’t know! It’s also important to recognise that what you think about a particular situation is based on your values, beliefs, knowledge and experience. Which means no two people will have the exact same perception and approach. And someone disagreeing with you isn’t an insult, but an opportunity to learn. The Oatmeal have a fantastic summary of why we respond like this and how we can try to change it.

Creating a disagreement friendly environment starts with our actions. Do you find yourself telling people what to do all the time? Managers and leaders do need to make decisions on behalf of their teams, but this doesn’t exclude the need to recieve and listen to feedback. Emailed statements, notes, briefings and announcements leave little room for in-the-moment feedback or question asking. Disagreements may be left unvoiced and unheard, resulting in resentment and frustration, and a lack of co-operation. When possible, information given face to face is much more disagreement friendly, especially when the person presenting the information remains open to compromise (which should be always!).

When I first start working with parents or educators, I always tell them this: “If you disagree with what I say or it won’t work for you, please tell me. Please don’t smile and nod if you don’t mean it”. The reason I put this out there right from get go is to open the door for honest conversation and feedback. I’d much rather work with them to find what is going to work for their situation, then tell them what I think is “best” and insist they follow through (or complain when they don’t).

Which leads me to another way to create an environment where disagreement is ok. Don’t complain when people don’t do exactly what you ask! It’s tempting to vent frustration that someone isn’t doing what you think is “right”. But what their actions are telling you is that they disagree with what you’ve said for some reason. Take this an opportunity to ask them what’s going on (without judgement, frustration or annoyance). Perhaps they are struggling to implement your request because of temporary circumstances, or perhaps it’s a long term, pragmatic reason. In which case, you need to figure out a solution together. Disagreement is easier to address when it’s explicitly put out there, but it may take time and relationship building to get there. Keep the door open by reading into avoidant behaviours rather than responding emotionally or with righteousness!

Being in an environment where you feel you can’t speak up without repercussions is not only difficult, but detrimental to progress. By acknowledging that disagreements not only happen but are extremely useful, we create environments where everyone has an equal voice, and their opinions are acknowledged and validated. This allows points of view to be aired that have yet to be considered, and leaves room for flexibility and adaption as time progresses.