I’ve previously talked about the importance of co-regulators, that is, those people in a child’s life who offer them support and nurturing in offer to develop their regulation skills. I wrote about how important it is to look after yourself, as you can’t be a good co-regulator without being well regulated! But like so much advice you receive as parents, caregivers, or educators, it’s easier said than done. When there’s a to-do list as long as the Great Wall of China, when your children are bouncing off the walls or bickering between themselves, when you don’t have time to go to the toilet in peace let alone have a cup of tea, how on Earth are you going to “look after yourself”?!?
Well, here’s the thing. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to make gains. Sometimes you need to go backwards to go forwards. Sometimes you need to put yourself first, to put everyone else first. Seems counter-intuitive, I know. But it’s true. I’ve talked to so many parents and educators over the years who tell me they can’t look after themselves. That their child or students, or things they need doing are just too important. That they “have” to keep going down the path of self-neglect because that’s their “job”. I’m here to tell you that’s not the truth. Yes, your child is THE most important person in your life. That you care about your students and want them to succeed. That if you don’t do it, no one will. But here’s the thing: if you are operating at the end of your limit, if you’re only able to give 70%, or 60%, or 50% of what you are actually capable of giving, if you are constantly stressed or run down, then you are not being the parent or educator you think you are being. And most importantly for your child, you aren’t being the person they need you to be.
Children learn from the adults in their life. The message we send with our words, our bodies, and our actions are ones that stick with them for life. We need to practice what we preach. No more “don’t do what I do, do what I say”. That’s not how children learn. Children learn from experience, and you are their guide in life. It’s a tough role, but it’s as important as it is rewarding.
Parents and educators inspire me daily with their dedication, love, commitment and selflessness. But there comes a time where you need to see yourself as the important and worthy person you are. We use the word ‘selfish’ to describe those that only care about themselves. Looking after yourself is not being selfish! Putting yourself first, prioritizing your needs, is not selfish! I’d actually argue that neglecting your needs because “only I can do it” is selfish. Your health and well being, your regulation, is so important not just for you, but for the individuals you support. By looking after yourself, you look after others. And I might sound like a broken record with that, but it’s true so I’ll keep saying it!
If you’ve made it this far and I’ve somewhat convinced you that you do need to start looking after yourself, where do you go from here? Firstly, you are the expert on you. You know yourself better than anyone, even though sometimes we struggle to recognise our strengths or weaknesses or what we really need. Especially when we’re having trouble regulating our thoughts and feelings. Think back to a time when you were feeling regulated. What were you doing? What or who was around you? What habits did you have then? What were you eating? How much were you sleeping? Have a look at the Regulation Rocket and apply it to yourself. What did your Rocket look like then, and what does it look like now?
Now I know times have changed, and your environment and motivations are different. And if you’re in the habit of not doing something for yourself, then asking you to do a life overhaul just isn’t going to work. Instead, take it slow. Find one thing you can do everyday that makes you feel good. It might be having a cup of tea, or going for a walk, or watching an episode of Friends, or playing a computer game. Give yourself 15-30 minutes everyday to do it. And hold yourself accountable. No, it does not matter if you miss an item on your to-do list. It does not matter if you utilise technology to babysit for a bit. It doesn’t matter if things go a bit haywire and someone else has to deal with it. What does matter is that you do it. That you get into the habit of treating yourself with kindness and compassion, and recognise your importance.
Once it’s a habit to do something for you each day, start to look at what other changes you can make to look after yourself. Choose one thing at a time, make it a habit, and then repeat. Need some ideas? Use the Regulation Rocket model or check out the list below. But remember: you are important, you need to put yourself first at times, your regulation needs are crucial, and it’s ok to take time to adapt to each change of habit.
Look after yourself by:
- Having regular catch up with friends
- Getting at least 7-9 hours of quality sleep per night
- Drinking water regularly throughout the day
- Getting at least 30 mins of exercise a day (this can be done with others, including your children!)
- Engaging in meaningful activities (eg book club, sporting activities, religious groups, hobbies)
- Teaching children to put away toys and activities, and complete basic household chores to give yourself less work
- Reading books or magazines of interest
- Having at least 15-30 mins of leisure time each day
- Have a consistent bedtime routine, including switching off from electronic devices 30-60 mins before sleep
- Utilise social and/or emotional supports such as counselling, psychology, support groups, parent groups
- Seeking services to help with time or financial planning
- Meet your sensory needs: whether it be hot drinks, crunchy foods, movement breaks, reducing or increasing environmental stimuli, or getting some deep pressure by way of cuddles!
- Make remembering, planning, and switching attention between tasks easier by writing yourself a list each day and/or week of what you need to do
- Schedule time to relax: this may coincide with exercise, reading, or leisure, but if not, find time in your day to meditate, have a bath, listen to music or tend to your garden.
- Tell yourself how good you are: being kind to ourselves can be challenging or feel unnatural, but you attitude towards yourself will impact on how you manage stress and interact with others.